Pooolice in Jo'burg

On Monday night I was invited by a friend of a family in the UK to a lecture on economic policy in South Africa. The lecture was at my friend's club and the speaker is a leading advisor to the Zuma cabinet on economic policy. Whilst this doesn't necessarily sound like the most thrilling of nights out I was certainly looking forward to it. My friend is a leading international lawyer on mining regulation and a former politician, an all round interesting guy, and I have become fascinated by African politics in the last few weeks.

I set off from work at around 6 pm and navigated my way towards the CBD using my tomtom. The club is located in the old city centre, deserted by most major businesses in the 1990s due to increasing violence and crime. I passed through the outskirts of Hillbrow on my way so as to avoid the motorway traffic and made sure I kept a close eye on everything that was going on around me; Hillbrow is certainly not the kind of place to be at the best of times but especially not when it's dark. During the week I discovered a little more of the history of Hillbrow and found out that back in the 1970s it was one of the hippest parts of town, the top spot for nightclubs and a buzzing area. It's amazing how it has changed in 30 years.

I arrived at the club and after a quick G&T sat down for supper. On my table were a leading economic journalist and the editor for a major national newspaper, along with their wives. The club atmosphere was archaic and everyone seemed to know my friend well. When we moved through to the lecture room my host introduced me before proceedings began. I won't bore you with the content of the talk....

After a quick tour of the club I jumped back in my car and set off before the satnav could find my location. I turned left and left again as I knew that was the vague direction, but after about two hundred meters I realised I was heading into Hillbrow, at just the right moment the satnav found me and turned me left again. I was directed to the motorway and after missing the slip road up I took the next right into an empty car park to turn around. I got myself back onto the main road and up onto the motorway.

Suddenly, I saw a light in front of me and someone standing in the road. I slowed down and when I saw the police car on the side of the road bought the car to a stop. I wound down my window and with a wide grin said "Good evening!". The police woman did not share my enthusiasm for being stationary by the side of a motorway, on a cold night and in the dodgiest part of the world's most dangerous city. "License". I handed over my pink license. "I'm English!" I said, as if that would let me off the hook for whatever crime I had committed. "Is everything OK?" I asked after a moment of silence. "You drove the wrong way up a one way street" my interrogator responded. THE IRONY! I wish I had been able to tell her my story from the weekend of driving head on toward three lanes of traffic, I held off thinking that this might land me in more trouble. "Have you been drinking?" she asked. Now, I am an honest guy, really I am, but when a policeman asks this question we all know what the immediate answer is....."NO!" I retorted back. The moment I said it I realised I'd lied, thinking I'd got off to an awful start I decided to be as cooperative as possible but did just have one question; "Are you sure I drove the wrong way up the road?". "Yes" came her answer before she demanded to see my passport. I told her it was in the boot and she opened my door before I could ask if she wanted me to get it.

"Don't be scared" she said as I nervously climbed out of the car in my suit and tie. 'Don't be scared?! Don't be scared?!' There are two types of cops in Johannesburg, those that drive blue cars = normal cops = fine, and those that drive orange cars = traffic cops = corrupt as anything. I had myself an orange cop. I explained that I'd never been stopped by the police before which is why I may appear a little nervous, to which she explained that the difference between English cops and South African cops is that "over here you get CHARGED!". Here was a chick who was willing to threaten her suspects in order to get some extra dollar in the wallet!

I popped the trunk, hoping that someone hadn't planted any drugs in there, or worse still a dead body. Nope just my squash racquet....phew! I showed her my passport and thought I would try my defense again as I looked to the road where I had come from "Are you sure I drove up a one way street?" I asked "I really don't think that I did, in fact I think I drove into that car park and turned around, I missed the turning you see". Her response blew me away, immedietly she decided to change her accusation, as if she had never mentioned my driving the wrong way down a road. "Well you can't turn right there, you must have driven over the curb". Praying that I wasn't pushing my luck I responded; "I don't think I drove over a curb, at least I didn't feel it under the tires, in fact I'm sure I didn't do that either".

At this point I remembered a story that Max Manners had told me from his time in Uganda; after being stopped by the police looking for a bribe he had insisted that if he had done something wrong he should be charged. Aware that my orange rozzers are dirty as muck I decided to try a similar line; "I suppose that if I have done something wrong though, then I should definitely be charged". This was followed by a moment of silence, which I later attributed to shock on her part; "Get in the car and go home" she said almost spitting.

And that was that, I was free to go. As I got back in the car I let out a sigh of relief, not so much at getting away from an uncomfortable situation but more that had the police been following me from the club they would have seen me jump at least three red lights and caught me speeding.

I did learn an important lesson here and managed to answer the 'big question' from my previous post. Corruption repulses me. What would the outcome of that situation have been if I had decided to risk offering a bribe? One of two things, either I would have been out of pocket or I would have been in jail. Ultimately it was honesty (sort of) that got me out of there. I've made up my mind on bribes be them for a parking space at a rugby game or to get away from the cops....a small bit of cash on the side fuels a much bigger fire of dishonesty and it is something that I have every intention of standing against for the rest of my time here. x